Uncharted Territory

Now I am about to enter uncharted territory. Nobody talks about suicide. It is the unspeakable act. The elephant in the room. The place nobody wants to go. But I am about to talk about it. Because I believe that God wants to say something through me.

My life's perspective has been profoundly affected by this event. More than once. Suicide is something that, like childbirth, or becoming a parent, until you've experienced it yourself, you can never fully understand the intricacy of emotions. Loosing a loved one to suicide elicits such unique and specific rage, despair, and confusion that it's in a category all its own. You are experiencing simultaneously the grief of losing your beloved and the shock/trauma of such a violent act. A survivor of suicide is consumed with never-ending questions... How did this happen? Why did this happen? What were they thinking? How did I not know? Why didn't they ask for help? Call me? What could I have done differently? Was it an accident? Who is to blame? Why didn't God stop them? Where was He in this?

August, 2008: A friend and acquaintance in our community committed suicide.

August, 2009: An accidental fire killed my husband's cousin Jesse.

September, 2009: Jesse's brother, Josh, took his own life.

October, 2009: My lifelong friend Greg took his own life.

And now, this week, in my own community of Snoqualmie and North Bend, a precious and beloved teen made the choice to attempt to take his own life. In a twist of irony, I am reminded as the one year anniversary of my own personal tragedy approaches, that I have learned much in my own journey towards healing, and I have much to share. I feel now is the time. And this is my attempt to do so.

When my friend died, I felt as though I was grasping at straws, desperate to hear from anyone who had experience in this area. It was difficult to relate to anyone who would offer condolences, yet couldn't fully comprehend the complexities of what I was feeling. Suicide is something I never imagined having experience with. Or a ministry in. I will go ahead and say that it's the last thing I wanted to be "schooled" in. And don't get me wrong... I certainly don't have a PHD in psychology, or a degree in Theology. But I know what God in his compassion has revealed to me, and I am compelled in light of what has transpired in my community to raise my voice and share what has given me peace and comfort in my journey. I pray it will serve those hurting now in some way.

"A true witness delivers souls" Proverbs 14:25