Today is the two year anniversary of Greg's death.
I am reflecting on God's goodness, faithfulness, kindness, mercy... and His supernatural ability to redeem, restore, and heal the broken pieces of our hearts if we let Him. Do you know Him? Will you let Him?
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
Psalm 34:18
Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of opression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you... do not be afraid, for I am with you.
Isaiah 43 1-5
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
In Memory
Today is the one year anniversary of the day my friend passed away. This is what I shared at his memorial service.
"Greg was my first friend. He was seven months older than me, and our childhood adventure began when my parents first brought me home from the hospital. He called me "sissy" up until the last time we spoke, about two weeks before he passed away.
There are too many memories to count. I honestly don't think I have a single childhood memory that doesn't include Greg. That red hair, those orange eyes, his infectious laugh. Among the thousands of things that keep popping into my mind, what I remember and treasure most vividly are the hours and hours we would spend sitting on the lawn behind the basketball hoop after shooting hoops or riding bikes. We would sit and talk until it was past dark, pondering the complexities of life (at least as complex as life could be for a couple of kids!) I remember an ongoing discussion about the concept of "infinity", attempting to wrap our brains around the idea that something could literally never end. Later, we would say goodnight with our flashlights across the cul-d-sac. We had invented our own code for communicating after dark!
He was smart. And fast. And strong.
Later, in high school, a boy named Paul entered into my life. It was on one hand a joy, and on the other a frustration when Paul and Greg became friends, as they would sometimes team up against me and get into trouble together. But I knew Paul was "in" once I had Greg's approval. In fact they were even roommates for a time in college, and they would come watch me play Volleyball together when I was playing at BCC. Later, Greg would be a groomsman in our wedding. I remember that morning, Greg and Paul came over to mom and dad's and brought me my favorite donuts to start off the day right.
Greg was a good man. He had an enormous heart... compassionate, generous, and fiercely loyal. He would give you the shirt off his back. My heart will always have a piece missing with his name on it.
The last couple years, I had been sharing with Greg my faith in Jesus. Seemingly every conversation we had recently turned into a God conversation. Greg was God conscious. Even as kids we talked about God. He shared with me that he felt closest to God in the mornings while he was outside walking his dogs. I have peace and comfort as I reflect back on those conversations... I know that God knew Greg, knew his heart, knew his struggles, and loves Greg as His own precious son.
This is a scripture that I have found comfort in this last week, and I want to share it with you now. I pray it will give you hope and peace in the knowledge of how very much God loves and cares for us, and that no matter what, His love for all of us, and for Greg, never ends."
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Yet in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, not things present nor things to come, not height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:35-39
"Greg was my first friend. He was seven months older than me, and our childhood adventure began when my parents first brought me home from the hospital. He called me "sissy" up until the last time we spoke, about two weeks before he passed away.
There are too many memories to count. I honestly don't think I have a single childhood memory that doesn't include Greg. That red hair, those orange eyes, his infectious laugh. Among the thousands of things that keep popping into my mind, what I remember and treasure most vividly are the hours and hours we would spend sitting on the lawn behind the basketball hoop after shooting hoops or riding bikes. We would sit and talk until it was past dark, pondering the complexities of life (at least as complex as life could be for a couple of kids!) I remember an ongoing discussion about the concept of "infinity", attempting to wrap our brains around the idea that something could literally never end. Later, we would say goodnight with our flashlights across the cul-d-sac. We had invented our own code for communicating after dark!
He was smart. And fast. And strong.
Later, in high school, a boy named Paul entered into my life. It was on one hand a joy, and on the other a frustration when Paul and Greg became friends, as they would sometimes team up against me and get into trouble together. But I knew Paul was "in" once I had Greg's approval. In fact they were even roommates for a time in college, and they would come watch me play Volleyball together when I was playing at BCC. Later, Greg would be a groomsman in our wedding. I remember that morning, Greg and Paul came over to mom and dad's and brought me my favorite donuts to start off the day right.
Greg was a good man. He had an enormous heart... compassionate, generous, and fiercely loyal. He would give you the shirt off his back. My heart will always have a piece missing with his name on it.
The last couple years, I had been sharing with Greg my faith in Jesus. Seemingly every conversation we had recently turned into a God conversation. Greg was God conscious. Even as kids we talked about God. He shared with me that he felt closest to God in the mornings while he was outside walking his dogs. I have peace and comfort as I reflect back on those conversations... I know that God knew Greg, knew his heart, knew his struggles, and loves Greg as His own precious son.
This is a scripture that I have found comfort in this last week, and I want to share it with you now. I pray it will give you hope and peace in the knowledge of how very much God loves and cares for us, and that no matter what, His love for all of us, and for Greg, never ends."
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Yet in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, not things present nor things to come, not height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:35-39
Friday, September 17, 2010
Who's Fault is it?
My whole neighborhood is talking about this boy. A sixteen year old boy, who for reasons unknown, made the decision to take his own life. Everyone is trying to figure out why. We always need to know why. It is hard for people to be content with not knowing. It gives us a cerebral restlessness, the idea that there may be things in this world that we will never be able to reason with or come to conclusions to. Pat, textbook answers are easier. They don't require faith.
I inadvertently overheard someone yesterday in a conversation. She was obviously talking about Cody. She said, "I think the only reason it could have happened...was...to help others.".
Which is partly true. But mostly not. " This is what the Bible teaches:
1) "The whole world lies under the sway of the wicked one" 1 John 5:19
2) "The thief does not come except to steal, kill, and destroy" John 10:10
3) "Every good and perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning" James 1:17
4) "I know the thoughts that I think toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11
5)"I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly"
John 10:10
I believe that God is FOR life. He is the Creator of Life. His plan and purpose is for us to have rich abundant life on this earth. When something like this happens, it is NOT the will of God. It is not His plan, His purpose, or intent. It is simply the devices of the enemy of our souls. And we should not be ignorant of it. God does not will for someone to die violently, self-inflicted or otherwise, in order to teach us a lesson. Tragedies, disasters, and deaths are not God's means to punish us. However... what the Word promises is that God will USE any circumstances life brings about to achieve His purposes in the earth. He will use what the enemy meant for evil and turn them for good in our lives (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28). He can and will use suicide to draw those hurting and affected to Himself.
God, through Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection, has conquered death. We don't have to fear it, or even glorify it. And for those of us with a history of believing that suicide is the "unforgivable sin"... suicide is never once mentioned in the Bible as being any different from any other sin. Lying, covetousness, adultery, jealousy, boasting, pride... it's all the same to God. But "Love covers a multitude of sins" (Prov 10:12), and "Perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18). And we know that God IS love (1 John 4:7), and something that has been permeating my thoughts in this regard the last 11 months- that MERCY TRIUMPHS OVER JUDGEMENT (James 2:13). Thank God for this life changing truth. He is merciful and compassionate.
Here is what else I know: My friend was sick. He was afflicted with a terrible addiction which had beat him down to the point of submission. I've never experienced depression. I can't pretend to know what it would be like to exist in such despair as to contemplate death. But I do know that without hope, or without vision for the future, we cannot sustain life. Hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). And being a Christian doesn't exempt you from suffering. But thanks be to God... Matthew 9:12, the words of Jesus Himself: "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick...For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance."
I had the opportunity to read the letter that my friend left for his parents. Want to know what He said countless times? "Forgive me. Forgive me."
So here is my conclusion: We are to trust in God's sovereignty and goodness. In my attempt to "figure out" the why and how of my dear friends death, God simply gave me this scripture through a faithful friend:
Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself with great matters,
Nor with things too profound for me (to understand).
Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Oh Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.
Psalm 131
The Bible says that the secret things belong to the Lord (Deuteronomy 29:29). Some things in this life we will simply never be able to comprehend. But we weren't designed to. But we were designed to know Jesus, who IS God, and to seek after these things (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were designed to seek God, and to know Him, because HE is the only answer. As we come into relationship with him and simply spend time in His presence, He will still that anxious urge to "know". Just knowing Him is enough. He is THE answer... better than a textbook, better than Google, better than another pat response to the complexities of life. But it ALWAYS requires faith. And without faith, it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6)
Philippians 4:7 encourages that as we make our requests made known to God, with thanksgiving, that the peace of God, which surpasses our understanding, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ. This is my prayer for my community today. That peace would surpass our understanding, or lack thereof, and guard our hearts and minds in the knowledge of His goodness and love.
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 8:13
"Come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you , because I am humble, and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."
Matthew 11:28-30
I inadvertently overheard someone yesterday in a conversation. She was obviously talking about Cody. She said, "I think the only reason it could have happened...was...to help others.".
Which is partly true. But mostly not. " This is what the Bible teaches:
1) "The whole world lies under the sway of the wicked one" 1 John 5:19
2) "The thief does not come except to steal, kill, and destroy" John 10:10
3) "Every good and perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning" James 1:17
4) "I know the thoughts that I think toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11
5)"I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly"
John 10:10
I believe that God is FOR life. He is the Creator of Life. His plan and purpose is for us to have rich abundant life on this earth. When something like this happens, it is NOT the will of God. It is not His plan, His purpose, or intent. It is simply the devices of the enemy of our souls. And we should not be ignorant of it. God does not will for someone to die violently, self-inflicted or otherwise, in order to teach us a lesson. Tragedies, disasters, and deaths are not God's means to punish us. However... what the Word promises is that God will USE any circumstances life brings about to achieve His purposes in the earth. He will use what the enemy meant for evil and turn them for good in our lives (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28). He can and will use suicide to draw those hurting and affected to Himself.
God, through Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection, has conquered death. We don't have to fear it, or even glorify it. And for those of us with a history of believing that suicide is the "unforgivable sin"... suicide is never once mentioned in the Bible as being any different from any other sin. Lying, covetousness, adultery, jealousy, boasting, pride... it's all the same to God. But "Love covers a multitude of sins" (Prov 10:12), and "Perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18). And we know that God IS love (1 John 4:7), and something that has been permeating my thoughts in this regard the last 11 months- that MERCY TRIUMPHS OVER JUDGEMENT (James 2:13). Thank God for this life changing truth. He is merciful and compassionate.
Here is what else I know: My friend was sick. He was afflicted with a terrible addiction which had beat him down to the point of submission. I've never experienced depression. I can't pretend to know what it would be like to exist in such despair as to contemplate death. But I do know that without hope, or without vision for the future, we cannot sustain life. Hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). And being a Christian doesn't exempt you from suffering. But thanks be to God... Matthew 9:12, the words of Jesus Himself: "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick...For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance."
I had the opportunity to read the letter that my friend left for his parents. Want to know what He said countless times? "Forgive me. Forgive me."
So here is my conclusion: We are to trust in God's sovereignty and goodness. In my attempt to "figure out" the why and how of my dear friends death, God simply gave me this scripture through a faithful friend:
Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself with great matters,
Nor with things too profound for me (to understand).
Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Oh Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.
Psalm 131
The Bible says that the secret things belong to the Lord (Deuteronomy 29:29). Some things in this life we will simply never be able to comprehend. But we weren't designed to. But we were designed to know Jesus, who IS God, and to seek after these things (Ecclesiastes 3:11). We were designed to seek God, and to know Him, because HE is the only answer. As we come into relationship with him and simply spend time in His presence, He will still that anxious urge to "know". Just knowing Him is enough. He is THE answer... better than a textbook, better than Google, better than another pat response to the complexities of life. But it ALWAYS requires faith. And without faith, it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6)
Philippians 4:7 encourages that as we make our requests made known to God, with thanksgiving, that the peace of God, which surpasses our understanding, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ. This is my prayer for my community today. That peace would surpass our understanding, or lack thereof, and guard our hearts and minds in the knowledge of His goodness and love.
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 8:13
"Come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you , because I am humble, and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."
Matthew 11:28-30
Uncharted Territory
Now I am about to enter uncharted territory. Nobody talks about suicide. It is the unspeakable act. The elephant in the room. The place nobody wants to go. But I am about to talk about it. Because I believe that God wants to say something through me.
My life's perspective has been profoundly affected by this event. More than once. Suicide is something that, like childbirth, or becoming a parent, until you've experienced it yourself, you can never fully understand the intricacy of emotions. Loosing a loved one to suicide elicits such unique and specific rage, despair, and confusion that it's in a category all its own. You are experiencing simultaneously the grief of losing your beloved and the shock/trauma of such a violent act. A survivor of suicide is consumed with never-ending questions... How did this happen? Why did this happen? What were they thinking? How did I not know? Why didn't they ask for help? Call me? What could I have done differently? Was it an accident? Who is to blame? Why didn't God stop them? Where was He in this?
And now, this week, in my own community of Snoqualmie and North Bend, a precious and beloved teen made the choice to attempt to take his own life. In a twist of irony, I am reminded as the one year anniversary of my own personal tragedy approaches, that I have learned much in my own journey towards healing, and I have much to share. I feel now is the time. And this is my attempt to do so.
When my friend died, I felt as though I was grasping at straws, desperate to hear from anyone who had experience in this area. It was difficult to relate to anyone who would offer condolences, yet couldn't fully comprehend the complexities of what I was feeling. Suicide is something I never imagined having experience with. Or a ministry in. I will go ahead and say that it's the last thing I wanted to be "schooled" in. And don't get me wrong... I certainly don't have a PHD in psychology, or a degree in Theology. But I know what God in his compassion has revealed to me, and I am compelled in light of what has transpired in my community to raise my voice and share what has given me peace and comfort in my journey. I pray it will serve those hurting now in some way.
My life's perspective has been profoundly affected by this event. More than once. Suicide is something that, like childbirth, or becoming a parent, until you've experienced it yourself, you can never fully understand the intricacy of emotions. Loosing a loved one to suicide elicits such unique and specific rage, despair, and confusion that it's in a category all its own. You are experiencing simultaneously the grief of losing your beloved and the shock/trauma of such a violent act. A survivor of suicide is consumed with never-ending questions... How did this happen? Why did this happen? What were they thinking? How did I not know? Why didn't they ask for help? Call me? What could I have done differently? Was it an accident? Who is to blame? Why didn't God stop them? Where was He in this?
August, 2008: A friend and acquaintance in our community committed suicide.
August, 2009: An accidental fire killed my husband's cousin Jesse.
September, 2009: Jesse's brother, Josh, took his own life.
October, 2009: My lifelong friend Greg took his own life.And now, this week, in my own community of Snoqualmie and North Bend, a precious and beloved teen made the choice to attempt to take his own life. In a twist of irony, I am reminded as the one year anniversary of my own personal tragedy approaches, that I have learned much in my own journey towards healing, and I have much to share. I feel now is the time. And this is my attempt to do so.
When my friend died, I felt as though I was grasping at straws, desperate to hear from anyone who had experience in this area. It was difficult to relate to anyone who would offer condolences, yet couldn't fully comprehend the complexities of what I was feeling. Suicide is something I never imagined having experience with. Or a ministry in. I will go ahead and say that it's the last thing I wanted to be "schooled" in. And don't get me wrong... I certainly don't have a PHD in psychology, or a degree in Theology. But I know what God in his compassion has revealed to me, and I am compelled in light of what has transpired in my community to raise my voice and share what has given me peace and comfort in my journey. I pray it will serve those hurting now in some way.
"A true witness delivers souls" Proverbs 14:25
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